Last night I stayed awake until sometime after 2 a.m. with Sergei huddled underneath my legs in the bathroom while I read a book. I felt I needed to make the sacrifice of precious sleep to be there for my bestest bud - why you ask? Because he needed me. Earlier in the night I was so frustrated with the damn dog that I just wanted him out of my sight. I think the guilt of being so angry with a dog (who can't reason with you or tell you why he is behaving in a neurotic manner) was part of the driving force behind me sitting in my bathroom into all hours of the night.
Sergei is deathly, inexplicably afraid of thunder storms. Last night we had something to the comparative equivalent of a level 5 hurricane (is that such a thing, level 5? whatever it was violently powerful!). Needless to say, he was an absolute mess. He must have sensed the impending storm well before our meager human minds could have thus behaving like a nut in the evening...which subsequently led to my growing frustration towards his behavior. He woke me up around 11:30p.m. to let me know the storm had arrived. Most nights I would put him in the bathroom alone and go back to bed. He usually just wedges himself under the claw foot tub and stays there until morning. But last night I decided I needed to be there for him as he has been for me for the past 11 1/2 years. So there we were camped out on the tile floor in my bathroom...what a sight I am today.
Quite some time ago I read somewhere (most likely some cheesy email forward) that in one's life the one person who should never let you down most likely will. I learned this painful lesson, it seems like several life times ago, when I was still a child. For some reason it is one of those lessons that has reoccurred throughout my life with several different people. Sometimes those disappointing events turn out to strengthen the bond of the relationship and at other times they create such a chasm that not even time can remedy the fracture. As a child, you have no control over such things, nor do you truly have the emotional maturity to fully comprehend the enormity of the situation. You tend to be more ego-centric, blaming yourself, trying so desperately to fix what you never had the power to destroy in the first place. Taking this pain into adulthood can be costly even devastating. No worries, many years of alcohol consumption and counseling set me right...just joking...sort of.
Anyway, I find as an adult we have control over these events to some degree, or at least the wisdom to either fix the problem or know when to say 'fuck it' and walk away. Looking back - when I was younger it was so difficult for me to allow anyone inside the self-created, thick barriers that it was just as easy for me to walk away. In fact, I have found that I walked away from so many relationships, be them both platonic as well as intimate, without so much as a glance back. Even into my adult years, I can still justify these 'walks' with the fact that I just can't handle drama in my life. Knowing that I have the knowledge and experience of my past behind me, it is still too much for me to handle emotionally. But there are people in my life that have figured this out about me. Or perhaps they just know that despite my Ice-Princess-I-don't-give-a-shit facade, I do have feelings behind it. These people stand behind me despite my occasional slips (and sometimes falls) in life. I tend to have that 'I can do it myself' attitude which for the most part I can. But I find that in the hardest moments, I need my friends, my family, my support system.
I decided to quit drinking a while ago, well almost 2 full months ago. Aside from the fact that I want to become a faster mountian biker - I figured it was about time. The wake up call came when at my friends' engagement party/celebration I decided to take myself on a walk in the foggy rain at some un-godly hour. That would have all been fine, however, I don't recall any part of that walk. In fact I don't really remember much during or after dinner. I vaguely recall playing trivial pursuit (and winning). For me alcohol has been part of the fortification of my facade. I have known this for years, but I still never saw it as a problem. I still am not sure if it is, but I think for now, it's best that I stop and see how life progresses without it. I am slowly letting my friends know that this is how it is for me...be it for now or for always, I suppose time will tell. For the most part I find all of them to be surprisingly supportive. (I do miss going to the B.F. with JuJu after climbing, but I think I am doing something good for myself so I hope she and the boys in leather at the B.F. understand). I also have to thank T$ for his support in this endevour as well, although I think our addiction to caffeine has been elevated to a whole new level. (Perhaps taking stock out in a coffee company can assist in funding our trip to Europe :)
I am also finding these strange realisations within my own mind that are incredibly powerful yet frightening all at the same time. You know when you're sick and can't taste things all too well? Then when you get better your taste buds regain their ability to let your body know how great the food you're eating is...it's kind of like that. This awakening of senses - but in your mind. Very odd, but kind of cool and at times of course it does make me question so many things that I never really had the energy to deal with. The conclusion is that I still do not require drama in my life, I still love my friends and family unconditionally, I still consider Sergei my favourite dog, I still love to ride my bikes, climb rocks and trees and spend time with people that have been there for me through it all and hopefully will continue to. I just hope I can be there for them as well, even if it means staying up all night reading in the bathroom.