Monday, July 14, 2008
I feel restless today. Not the usual I-can't-sit-still-ooh-look-shiny-my-mind-won't-stop-running restless (which I deal with on a daily basis), but rather an unsettling restlessness. It's as if I can't find my keys after I've already torn the house apart. Or even more vague when you're searching for something so long that you've already forgotten what it was that you were seeking in the first place. The latter scares me. It makes me feel as if all efforts put forth are all in vain. Fruitless. Perhaps it's due to some sort of unfinished business that has me unsettled. Or perhaps it's just something that is missing. Fulfillment. It's such a hard goal to attain - especially when it's not clear what the end result is or should be. Running in a wheel like a hamster. Does the hamster know it will never reach any particular destination? Or does it just decide 'hmmm I think it might be fun to run in place for a while'? What if it has just given up on trying to reach whatever it once set out to achieve and broken-willed it has conceded to running in a wheel out of boredom. Today, I think I feel as if I've conceded. I don't know. Maybe I need a good ass kicking ride to clear this out...yeah.