Hurricanes and Bathrooms

Last night I stayed awake until sometime after 2 a.m. with Sergei huddled underneath my legs in the bathroom while I read a book. I felt I needed to make the sacrifice of precious sleep to be there for my bestest bud - why you ask? Because he needed me. Earlier in the night I was so frustrated with the damn dog that I just wanted him out of my sight. I think the guilt of being so angry with a dog (who can't reason with you or tell you why he is behaving in a neurotic manner) was part of the driving force behind me sitting in my bathroom into all hours of the night.

Sergei is deathly, inexplicably afraid of thunder storms. Last night we had something to the comparative equivalent of a level 5 hurricane (is that such a thing, level 5? whatever it was violently powerful!). Needless to say, he was an absolute mess. He must have sensed the impending storm well before our meager human minds could have thus behaving like a nut in the evening...which subsequently led to my growing frustration towards his behavior. He woke me up around 11:30p.m. to let me know the storm had arrived. Most nights I would put him in the bathroom alone and go back to bed. He usually just wedges himself under the claw foot tub and stays there until morning. But last night I decided I needed to be there for him as he has been for me for the past 11 1/2 years. So there we were camped out on the tile floor in my bathroom...what a sight I am today.

Quite some time ago I read somewhere (most likely some cheesy email forward) that in one's life the one person who should never let you down most likely will. I learned this painful lesson, it seems like several life times ago, when I was still a child. For some reason it is one of those lessons that has reoccurred throughout my life with several different people. Sometimes those disappointing events turn out to strengthen the bond of the relationship and at other times they create such a chasm that not even time can remedy the fracture. As a child, you have no control over such things, nor do you truly have the emotional maturity to fully comprehend the enormity of the situation. You tend to be more ego-centric, blaming yourself, trying so desperately to fix what you never had the power to destroy in the first place. Taking this pain into adulthood can be costly even devastating. No worries, many years of alcohol consumption and counseling set me right...just joking...sort of.

Anyway, I find as an adult we have control over these events to some degree, or at least the wisdom to either fix the problem or know when to say 'fuck it' and walk away. Looking back - when I was younger it was so difficult for me to allow anyone inside the self-created, thick barriers that it was just as easy for me to walk away. In fact, I have found that I walked away from so many relationships, be them both platonic as well as intimate, without so much as a glance back. Even into my adult years, I can still justify these 'walks' with the fact that I just can't handle drama in my life. Knowing that I have the knowledge and experience of my past behind me, it is still too much for me to handle emotionally. But there are people in my life that have figured this out about me. Or perhaps they just know that despite my Ice-Princess-I-don't-give-a-shit facade, I do have feelings behind it. These people stand behind me despite my occasional slips (and sometimes falls) in life. I tend to have that 'I can do it myself' attitude which for the most part I can. But I find that in the hardest moments, I need my friends, my family, my support system.

I decided to quit drinking a while ago, well almost 2 full months ago. Aside from the fact that I want to become a faster mountian biker - I figured it was about time. The wake up call came when at my friends' engagement party/celebration I decided to take myself on a walk in the foggy rain at some un-godly hour. That would have all been fine, however, I don't recall any part of that walk. In fact I don't really remember much during or after dinner. I vaguely recall playing trivial pursuit (and winning). For me alcohol has been part of the fortification of my facade. I have known this for years, but I still never saw it as a problem. I still am not sure if it is, but I think for now, it's best that I stop and see how life progresses without it. I am slowly letting my friends know that this is how it is for me...be it for now or for always, I suppose time will tell. For the most part I find all of them to be surprisingly supportive. (I do miss going to the B.F. with JuJu after climbing, but I think I am doing something good for myself so I hope she and the boys in leather at the B.F. understand). I also have to thank T$ for his support in this endevour as well, although I think our addiction to caffeine has been elevated to a whole new level. (Perhaps taking stock out in a coffee company can assist in funding our trip to Europe :)

I am also finding these strange realisations within my own mind that are incredibly powerful yet frightening all at the same time. You know when you're sick and can't taste things all too well? Then when you get better your taste buds regain their ability to let your body know how great the food you're eating is...it's kind of like that. This awakening of senses - but in your mind. Very odd, but kind of cool and at times of course it does make me question so many things that I never really had the energy to deal with. The conclusion is that I still do not require drama in my life, I still love my friends and family unconditionally, I still consider Sergei my favourite dog, I still love to ride my bikes, climb rocks and trees and spend time with people that have been there for me through it all and hopefully will continue to. I just hope I can be there for them as well, even if it means staying up all night reading in the bathroom.

Back From New Paltz

Awosting Lake in Minnewaska State Park

Peter's Kill - Gunks

Jockey Hill - Catskills

Sock Sighting!

Sock Monkey is on his way to Beijing, China then to Mongolia. He is currently waiting for his flight in style at a JFK bar/lounge...where apparently he is being corrupted by a couple of rowdy drunks. Oh wait, no - that's the new owner of Sock and her team leader for the trip. That's right, the person I entrusted Sock's life with - drinking and carousing. I wish I was with them...have a great trip guys!!!

Feeling Better

Ok, so today I feel loads better...or at least I do for now. I think the epic ride yesterday most certainly put things into perspective.

Wednesdays are regularly ladies night at the shop. These rides are led usually by my co-worker Sam or myself (when I can get there). The pace is slower than I would like, but the women are super cool and the rides prove to be a good time, regardless.

Yesterday, I was the only woman that showed up. So Sam and I decided to head out for a nice ride to Mendon Ponds
Park - at a bit faster pace. The ride started out great despite my legs being so sore from my run the night before. (A painful reminder that I need to be more consistent with my running). We cruised and chatted enjoying the warm summer breeze and much needed sunshine. We went through the park and began to head back towards the shop when we heard thunder in the distance. No worries the sun was still out and the clouds seemed to be miles away. The next thing we know the sky opened up and bolts of electricity started flying over our heads. The thunder strikes were directly next to us. I felt as if my ear drums would rupture with each clap. The rain came down with such intensity that I struggled to get my feet to churn the pedals. My shoes collected rain water beyond saturation point. Not to mention my drenched chamois - I don't remember being in diapers, but I can now only imagine...gross. The wind was so strong it was blowing us all over the road. Which wasn't hard because of the hydroplaning action of our tires. Despite the feeling of complete mortality and the harsh realisation that at any moment we could be struck by a lightning bolt we were both laughing hysterically the entire time (in between screams, of course).

By the time we reached the shop the rain had subsided, the sun was back out from behind the dark clouds and there was a most brilliant rainbow in the eastern sky. Both Sam and I were wringing out our gloves and jerseys laughing at the brief yet harrowing experience we had just been through. I think the boys at the shop enjoyed seeing two women come in absolutely soaking wet. Definitely feeling better today.

Another Day

Today is anther day - not much better than the last but here it is. I don't know why but I am having a hard time lately with something. I think I know what it is, but I am not 100% certain I want to face it. I think there will be a point (very soon) where I will need to. I'm just not ready to do it yet.

So until that point I will try and remain positive and look forward to my adventures coming up this weekend. The Gunks - please provide solace to me.

Tomorrow T$ and I will head out to the New Paltz area for some climbing, riding and hanging out. There is definitely some anxiety associated with this impending trip, I am however forcing myself to believe it will be amazing...and I know it will. I just wish my head wasn't so fuzzy with my personal crap.

I also know I need all of my focus to ride well and climb hard. For me any physical activity I engage in must be paired with focus. Without focus I end up making stupid mistakes, which in turn makes me feel like I am failing...or I just end up hurting myself. Either way - it's no good. So, tonight, I am on a mission to clear my head, shed my anxieties and go into tomorrow with a refreshed mind and positive outlook that is ready to kick some ass. Any ideas on how to do this? Today I'm drawing a blank...

Hamster Wheel

I feel restless today. Not the usual I-can't-sit-still-ooh-look-shiny-my-mind-won't-stop-running restless (which I deal with on a daily basis), but rather an unsettling restlessness. It's as if I can't find my keys after I've already torn the house apart. Or even more vague when you're searching for something so long that you've already forgotten what it was that you were seeking in the first place. The latter scares me. It makes me feel as if all efforts put forth are all in vain. Fruitless. Perhaps it's due to some sort of unfinished business that has me unsettled. Or perhaps it's just something that is missing. Fulfillment. It's such a hard goal to attain - especially when it's not clear what the end result is or should be. Running in a wheel like a hamster. Does the hamster know it will never reach any particular destination? Or does it just decide 'hmmm I think it might be fun to run in place for a while'? What if it has just given up on trying to reach whatever it once set out to achieve and broken-willed it has conceded to running in a wheel out of boredom. Today, I think I feel as if I've conceded. I don't know. Maybe I need a good ass kicking ride to clear this out...yeah.

Recap of the Great Life

Holy crow! It's been forever since I have last posted...what have I been doing that has prevented me from writing? I can't even recall - I'm sure it was fun however. I know the Fourth of July holiday came and went during my hiatus.

A side bar: I hate that holiday. Not because I am un-patriotic. I love my country as much as the next person (with all of it's leadership issues and all) but I hate Independence Day. With a passion. I think it has something to do with the obnoxious fireworks going off into all hours of the night for the week preceding as well as into the entire weekend following the actual day. Really!?!?! Why!?!?! I need to f--in sleep! I would just start to dose off and then *BOOM* a bomb would go off in my back yard. This was going on all weekend well past midnight. Makes my blood boil thinking about it still. Then there is the fact that my older dog gets absolutely neurotic when exposed to loud noises. Well, as you can imagine, he was ready to crawl out of his furry skin by the end of it all. I even bought an all natural calming supplement for him - didn't work. I think the poor guy is now in desperate need of doggie psycho therapy. I think after the rockets red glare waking me up every five f--in minutes, I need some psycho therapeutic drugs. Ok, side note over.

Now continuing on with the attempted recollection of where have I been...I really don't know. I know I have been riding alot...and working alot. I am finally off of one project (sort of) and back in the office more (sort of). This actually all translates to the fact that I don't have as much spare time during the day due to me being sent to different sites daily. Which in all honesty is a refreshing change to my daily duties that have occupied the past two years of my working life.

So, yes, riding. That was the only saving grace of the Fourth. T and I had a lazy morning which included sleeping in past 6 a.m. and a very delicious meal of homemade multi-grain pancakes then a superb evening of riding trails which lasted well into the night. We got back to Rottenchester around midnight? I actually don't recall but it was late. During our ride the fireworks from the surrounding towns were going off creating a most eerie reverberation in the valley below the trail we were riding. I can only imagine from below it must have seemed as if the town was under attack from an unforeseen enemy - because that's what it sounded like from the trail above. Quite unnerving.

The rest of the weekend was spent with the usual - market, bike shop, riding...what a great life, right? Sunday we even rode twice (the later ride included an epic ride out in the pitch black night as we wisely left our TriNewts at home) - great life indeed! Aside from the dozens of mosquito bites acquired Sunday night, it was a super fun ride (after I got over the fact that I couldn't see a damn thing in front of me). That's all I have to report, sorry for the short recap but time is limited and my brain hurts from absorbing large quantities of information for the past two days. Now it's off to ride tonight by the light of a TriNewt, my favourite way to clear the clutter in my head. What a great life I say again.