Trials,Tribulations, Travels, Tastings...and Occassional Transcendence

Trials,Tribulations, Travels, Tastings...and Occassional Transcendence
Sock on the Great Wall

Monday, April 7, 2008

Is This It? Really?

Why is it that fun, attractive, smart, driven, a-typical women attract weak and/or strange men? There seems to be a recurring theme in these realisations that has yet to be resolved. I guess meeting and chatting with my girlfriends lately has my mind pre-occupied with such thoughts.

My friend Julie is smart, beautiful, hysterically funny and just an awesome person. Yet the guy she is dating does not see it in her. It drives me crazy to hear her tell me how he calls her lazy or doesn't compliment her on milestones in her career (because she should 'know' that she did a great job regardless) or make an effort to call her just to say hi because he is too wrapped up in his own life. It makes me insane, yet she defiantly insists that he is this great guy. Even more so I think it's because he is the first 'normal' guy to show interest in her in quite sometime. Julie's previous suitors (stalkers) were less than savory character's. One actually followed her around a Target then out into the parking lot before approaching her to ask her if she was a dancer (not a ballerina) - creepy!

I have another friend J.B. who is going for her PhD (obviously super-smart there) she is attractive, crazy athletic, outdoorsy, funny and will do anything for her friends. Yet the men that she attracts are either one of two things: 1) Users - they see her for her money making potential when she completes her degree. Or they keep their rich, trustafarian girlfriends and go after her in the background. These guys don't see the real J.B. or really care about her. I consider them to be narcissists or egotists - regardless they are all about themselves and not at all about her. 2) Clingers (stages 1 through 5) - they see her for her amazing self yet just latch onto her like a starving leech. These kinds of guys drain her of her incredible energy because they have none of their own. These guys have the slight potential to be half decent if they learned to give her some space to breathe and grew a spine. J.B. is a strong woman; in order to compliment her a man should have the same strength - these guys do not even come close.

Me? Well I suppose the above are a large part of the reason why I have decided to be single for a while. I have in the recent past, it seems, only attracted the users or the weaklings. The latest was a creepy customer over the weekend who couldn't even put a kickstand on his bike and had me do it for him all the while trying to delve into my personal life. First of all if you require a kickstand on your bike - you're out. I know it sounds snobby or superficial, but really? A kickstand? What are you five? Second - don't try to ask me questions about my life just because you overheard me talking to a co-worker. And no I most certainly am not telling you where I live. The fact that I carry a bike tool should not be reason to have you mention repeatedly how impressed you are at my resourcefulness - I work in a bike shop you weirdo!

Thankfully we were busy enough that I had to go help other customers - thankfully!

So it remains a mystery, or perhaps not. Perhaps the answer is right there but we just don't see it...perhaps what we search for is not even an answer at all. Regardless, I suppose it all comes down to what one can and can not tolerate. Personally I have just stopped thinking too much about it, but when we girls get together the conversation usually turns down that steep, curved slope it becomes all but too apparent. The fact that there are creepy men out there doesn't help the situation much either. Oh well, this is why my next boyfriend is going to be of the two-wheeled variety.


stickboy said...

We've talked about this before... it's the whole 'nice guy' syndrome. The guys you come across keep trying to play nice, reliable, safe, dependable, sweet guys to win your heart, but in your eyes come off looking weak -no strength or confidence. He always gives away his power to women, and allows women to become the 'boss'. Nice guys always seem to ask women what they want to do, instead of being a man and taking the lead. They accepts a woman's demands, just so she will spend time with him or continue talking to him. You soon realise that you would not want to be anything other than friends with this person.
'Nice Guys' get very conflicting information about males and maleness in general. They get a constant trickle of information about the misbehaviour of men from their women friends, but are told that they are all right, since they are 'not like that' -yet it is the boyfriend and not the Nice Guy she has a physical relationship with. The 'nice guy' gets the message, "You are special and different", and the message "You are not good enough for me.", at the same time. He also gets the message "There is something wrong with men.", and the message, "You are alright." at the same time. Very confusing to be a 'nice guy'. If the Nice Guy is 'openly' telling his women friends about the problems in his life he is also labelling himself as a 'loser-in-love' in their eyes. The more open he is the more his women friends see him as insecure. They may like the man and enjoy getting glimpses into the male world, but it does nothing for a womens mating instincts. Of course, this openness is a good thing, but it must be balanced by expressing some confidence or it can come across as weak.

You're looking for a guy who knows how to behave like a 'challenge', takes the masculine role in an interaction, and respects and likes women, but also gives plenty of time and attention to his life...although this will tick you off, it will keep you coming back for more.

Thats what I think anyway. Good luck with that!

Oh...and the guy with the kickstand had you attach it so he could look down your shirt or check your butt out. He didn't even need a kickstand. Really.

Ari said...

CB - you're killing me with your man-logic! Don't crush my weirdo bashing, it's all us bitter spinster's have to hold onto. Besides, I like nice guys, I just prefer them to have a 'set' equal to my proverbial 'set'. And I nearly fell out of my chair for your reasoning on kickstand. *sigh* you're probably right - poor schlep had to resort to that kind of low just to talk to me :)

stickboy said...

*sign*...back to the "I like nice guys" again....Maybe your 'nice guys' need to grow a proverbial set of balls! Trust me on this. Its like your dad says...your alot of women for a man to handle. You need to find a *Man*, not a 'nice guy'.

Good luck sticking to the two wheeled boyfriends. How long do you think you can remain 'Master of your Domain"? I'll bet you'll be back in the race before you take Mr. Roubaix for a ride. Care to wager? :)

Ari said...

I am always master of my domain...just once in a while I let someone sit next to my throne :P And no wager for me - I am not a gambling woman...

Ah yes the Roubaix - if only I were independently wealthy he would be mine already...