Soberland - Population 1

It has been 4 ½ months since I quit drinking. That has to be the longest time frame since I was 15 that I have not had any alcohol in my system. Crazy to think about it that way…that’s more than half of my adult life…so crazy. I remember quitting for a period of time when I moved back from Buffalo – I think it might have been measured in weeks and at that point in my life I found it to be quite the achievement. Now, while I feel proud of this, I must admit it has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done. That in itself is such a strange realisation, however true on so many different levels.

I have found that most people don’t care whether or not I am drinking, be it at social gatherings or at a bar. Those are the people that I love to have around me! Truthfully, how I would be viewed by my peers was a primary fear when I decided to stop. ‘What would people think of me?’ Not that I have ever been one to really care about what others thought about me, however, it is still a very real insecurity to think that you are a different person sober rather than drunk. The more horrific fear is that your friends prefer the drunk you versus the sober you…because the sober you is lame, less fun, more reserved, etc. I never want to feel ‘less fun’ and honestly I don’t think I am but the fear is there none the less. I think if anyone did find me less fun to be around then to hell with them…unless of course one of these people is one of the select few whose input is actually taken into my own personal account. Well, in that case, then the reaction is wounding. I know everyone is entitled to their opinion, however, on occasion the repercussions of ones words should be considered prior to the verbal discourse. Eh, can’t win ‘em all. So like a true Ice Princess I shake it off and keep going. Some days are definitely easier than others.

The most pertinent thing I have found is that I have no escape from my thoughts. Or rather I have to alter my ‘medication’, if you will. I used to cope with, well, pretty much everything with some ice cold Goose. Now however I find it more therapeutic to beat myself up on some sweet trails or go for a long run (knees permitting, of course). There are days when even those remedies don’t work. So what do I do then, you ask? Well, in all honesty, I haven’t figured that one out yet. Those days are the hardest to deal with. Still after all this time, which in the bigger scheme of things is not all that long a duration, I do feel better overall. Aside from my being tired due to a lack of sleep, I feel great each day - clearer. Kind of like that Claritin commercial where the lady is in foggy haze during her allergy attacks but when she takes Claritin her world becomes vibrantly clear and full of color. Yes, that’s right, I feel as if my life is vibrantly clear – even if this recent clarity shows all the ‘dirt’ in my life that requires cleaning. So now I must learn to become a better house keeper…