Happy Birthday to me! This is my birthday present to myself...well, in my dreams, anyways. I spent the better part of the morning and an hour and a half last night on this:Couldn't think of a better way to spend my birthday. Yes, it was yesterday. I pretty much hate my birthday and try to run away to the woods each year to hide from the gruesome reality that I am one more year older and none the wiser. I figure if I hide, age won't find me thus leaving me in a perpetual state of youth. Yeah, youth - our inevitably, forever fleeting friend. When I was younger I longed to be older and now...well, I would never want to be younger again, only to allow my body to feel great each day and for my skin to never wrinkle (hey, I am a woman - isn't that what we all want? That and a great pair of carbon cycling shoes to match each bike?..oh wait, that's just me). I think young, I act young, people tell me I look young, but why do my knees tell me exactly how old I am each day. Oh well, I suppose glucosamine/chondroitin regimen it is.
Aside from my emotional melt down Saturday morning, I think my birthday weekend went quite well. I usually am a cranky/miserable mess a few days prior to and especially on the day of. Previous years of crankiness have been remedied by stifling my misplaced anger with a bottle of Goose, Dom or whatever was being served at Sali's on special. This year, however, I didn't drink - at all - on my birthday. Bear with me as I am still in shock about this. It is still quite an odd feeling, but in a way, I think I kind of like it. However, I most certainly didn't handle my 'messy' thoughts as positively. This all became painfully obvious Saturday at around 8:30 a.m. The day progressed to a slightly more numbing, bordering normal, feeling until finally in the evening I came out of my funk. (An amazing dinner with a handsome man and a playground adventure might have had something to do with it). I hate letting my mind get away with itself like that, but sometimes it's just how I operate. It tends to try the patience of the people closest to me...sorry T.
In all reality my birthdays are always just fine, no matter what I end up doing, it's my mental state that takes a nose dive. For some reason I have this irrational view on my age as if my body's mileage counter will click over and simultaneously the engine will quit all the while I will realise that the warranty had expired. In other words, I just don't want to ever wake up old, fat and unfulfilled. But then I reevaluate my actual life and it is completely not that way at all. I have an amazing life and lots of opportunities to improve upon the things that don't fulfill me at the moment. So, it all comes down to me fucking with my own head.
No matter, all those thoughts were a long lost memory last night as T and I rode through Dryer by the light of our TriNewts. Right before we rode out we stopped at the top of the hill and turned out our lights - it was amazing how each star so brightly speckled the night sky. Best birthday candles ever!