Trials,Tribulations, Travels, Tastings...and Occassional Transcendence

Trials,Tribulations, Travels, Tastings...and Occassional Transcendence
Sock on the Great Wall

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Rules of Engagement

My friend CB sent me the following in an attempt to help me solve my dating issues (he is married, by the way). Reading through I realize that I can't be bothered to do any of them...which then led me to realize that I am just happy being single. Too many rules and regulations make it not worth the effort. Well, perhaps someone will find them usefull - enjoy! (thanks for trying, CB. At least I can admit that I'm a lost cause :)

The Top 5 Male TurnoffsIn our quest to find, attract, and keep our perfect partner, we often wonder what turns men on. And while it’s important to know how to light a man’s fire, it’s equally important to understand what douses his dating flames. By being clear about what kind of behavior turns men off, we can be better prepared to keep the spark alive from our first encounter to happily ever after. What follows are the top five male turnoffs.

Turnoff #1: Flakiness. Guys report that one of the biggest turnoffs when dating a woman is when she either can’t commit to plans or constantly flakes on plans. If you regularly pencil in your plans with a “maybe” and/or cancel plans at the last minute, you’re giving your guy the impression that he’s tentative in your life, aka “good enough for now.” Who wants to date someone who makes them feel temporary? Chances are you don’t, and you shouldn’t be the girl who makes her date feel that way either.

Turnoff #2: Poor communication skills. Raise your hand if you’ve been this girl in your relationship past: your date/boyfriend said or did something you didn’t like, but instead of saying anything, you went along with it. You may have even said it was “fine.” But then at some point down the road, you got upset. Maybe you even blew up at an inappropriate time, causing an argument that completely took your significant other off guard. Most of us have been guilty of passive aggressive behavior at least once in our dating past. It happens. But when you repeat that kind of behavior over and over in any dating/relationship scenario, the only thing you’ll succeed at is sabotaging your efforts. Just as you deserve to be with someone who’s comfortable communicating his wants, needs, and desires, you, too, should be a healthy communicator. Don’t say one thing if you really mean another. Instead, get in the habit of saying what you mean. Guys appreciate that!

Turnoff #3: Not playing fair. From your initial encounter to your first date and beyond, guys pay attention to whether or not you’re playing fair. If, for example, you always expect the guy to come to your side of town, pick you up, open your door, pay the check, drop you off, call you the next day, and in general placate your every need without you so much as lifting a finger, you’re not dating fairly. More important, if there’s a disagreement and you don’t fight fairly, i.e., you throw things in his face, hold grudges, and insist on winning every argument, you’re going to be a very lonely single girl because you’re not being fair. In the new millennium, chivalry goes both ways and the dating game requires plenty of give-and-take. If you can be fair in dating times both good and bad, guys will dig you so much more!

Turnoff #4: Trying to change him. It’s almost cliché how often in the media we see, hear, or read about a woman who tries to change her man. Whether it’s changing how he dresses, what he watches on TV, his manners, or his friends, the woman at the helm of all this change always comes off as a control freak. Don’t be that girl. Just as the guy in your life should accept you warts and all, you, too, should accept him for who he is. And if you can’t? Don’t date him. It’s as simple as that. The whole point of being single and dating is to meet a variety of different people, find out who you are as well as who your perfect partner might be, and eventually settle down with someone who’s right for you. Rather than trying to change the wrong guy into Mr. Right, why not keep playing the field until you meet that special someone who’s far from perfect but whose imperfections you have no desire to change? (He’s out there — keep looking!)

Turnoff #5: Ultimatums. Nothing turns a man off more than a woman who gives him an ultimatum. Not only are they not sexy, they’re ineffective. Healthy and happy relationships don’t need ultimatums. When you’re regularly communicating your needs to the person you’re in a relationship with, ultimatums are unnecessary. It’s when communication breaks down, when one person feels his or her needs aren’t being met, or when the relationship isn’t going in the direction one had hoped or at the speed one had anticipated, that ultimatums are usually issued. A huge turn-off, ultimatums are a tricky relationship tactic and should be avoided at all costs.So there you have it — the top five male turnoffs. By understanding the dating and mating behaviors that shut men down, you ultimately master the art of how to turn the right guy on. Good luck and happy dating!


flahute said...

Huh? This is too many rules?

Why would any woman/man want to be a uncompromising, demanding, self-centered, passive-aggressive flake? And why would any man/woman want to date one?

Seems to me like there's really only one rule when it comes to dating, and these are just sub-sets of that rule.

Treat your partner as you want your partner to treat you. Notice I say "want" rather than "expect" ... because I know many people who expect their partners to treat them like shit, but I don't know anyone who really wants that.

"Too many" rules (or at least the wrong sort of rules) would include things like "always greet your man at the door wearing a skimpy negligee and with a cocktail in hand" ... and while that would be nice every once in awhile, it's not a requirement ... and your partner should be willing to do the same.

Jorge Rojas Jr said...

This is what I say

"Be yourself and if a guy does not like you for who you are then to hell with him/them."

I don't think these are rules but probably what the "average" guy is.

"Average" means shit because statistics can be manipulated.

I think in reality in a healthy relationship the only thing that matters is communication. That's it. From there everything else falls into place in that then you know if you want to be with this person or not. OK wait! I think I take this last paragraph back.
Decide what you want out of a relationship and then you know what actions to follow/take. This includes all relationships; Even with oneself!

Everyone has different emotional needs. It's a matter of finding what fits.

Oh and by the way from my perspective "THERE ARE NO RULES TO DATING". Well there are but the COUPLE defines the rules not some book or article on Yahoo or MSN.

I don't know if you've done this Ari so this might be helpful. Find are your core values and write them down because when you write them down they become real. There a site that had a list of core values but I can't remember it. Google it if you want.

If this helps great and if it doesn't that's great too...

Anonymous said...

1. There are no conditions on unconditional love. I just love my wife and she loves me because that's what we want. It's really that simple. There's nothing "more" to expect (or want) out of life. We have faults, but honestly I think about it so little I can't come up with any of the top of my head. I think that's the key, not dwelling on imperfections. Perfection is not to be found in this life, but love abounds.
2. "Dating" like any compulsive behavior leads to more dating. I never understood dating nor was I ever interested in it. My wife and I met through the internet and phone. We became soul mates through our words not superficialities. No "dating" was needed and it's been a Valentine's Day ever since (years).
3. Don't underestimate the importance of faith/core beliefs. Those you will never compromise on, never. People get divorced because they initially based their relationship on superficial qualities, looks, sex, hobbies, impatience, instead of faith and/or common tradition.


Anonymous said...

"By understanding the dating and mating behaviors that shut men down, you ultimately master the art of how to turn the right guy on"

So you want to be a manipulator of men?! Hmmm... turn off!


Ari said...

Dear P.
So sorry to turn you off, however, it is not my job to turn you on. The fact that I can't be bothered should tell you that I have no desire to manipulate anyone. I do believe you have misconstrued my message.

I didn't make up these "rules" which I have no desire to follow, regardless. Reason #387 why I love being single :)