Mood Swings

Yesterday was a shit day. That's right - absolute crap. I woke up exhausted yet somehow managed to drag my carcass to the gym for the weekly Tuesday 6 a.m. muscle pump class. I know usually if I can make it to the gym, the workout gives me the endorphin rush required to get me out of my funk and through the rest of the day. It didn't work so I resolved to drink myself into a caffienated stupor. At least I will appear energetic to my clients. This time of year is super busy for me at the office. I have a large report due and for some reason, each year we end up with at least four other projects, which I somehow become involved with right at the same time as my busiest reporting season. Awesome. When it rains it pours, right?

At the same time I was also scheduled as an on-call for my second job (retail - more good times). I figured 'It's Tuesday. It will be dead in the store. They certainly won't need me from 6 to close tonight'. WRONG. I got called in. So at this point I was tired, cranky, and I now had to work until 11:30 when I had been up since 5 a.m. Great!

I found out a little while ago that my ex is engaged. Rochester is a small, incestuous city with about 3 degrees of separation...news travels fast and gossip spreads faster than butter on a hot English muffin. The fact that he is engaged does not bother me. The fact that I know he will end up cheating and lying to her does not bother me. The fact that I know I dodged a .45 caliber bullet does not bother me (in fact it makes me thank my lucky f---in stars...again!). What bothers me is that yesterday I saw a photo of her flashing her shiny, little bauble. Upon closer inspection, I am quite certain it is the same ring he tried to propose to me with. (Yes, I was proposed to. Twice - by two different men. Twice I said 'NO'. Gut feelings. Always trust your gut; this post is testament to this)! The fact that he is a liar and a cheater I have come to understand, at least to some degree just come to terms with. I guess I just can't wrap my brain around how he can be so daft as to "reuse" the ring. Whatever it's her problem now, right? Clear as crystal affirmation - again. Good luck to them both as they are going to need it.

Later in the day I see a phone call come in. The number is vaguely familiar. I thought that it might be someone from work or a client so I figured I should answer it. Surprise, surprise - it was my ex from a million years ago. The first one to propose to me. At the very moment when I heard him ask "how ya doin' stranger?” I sincerely hated my life.

Let me first state that I have a civil and even friendly relationship with this ex. He was never a liar or a cheater. In fact he is a pretty decent guy. I just knew he wasn't right for me. We went to high school together, were friends then. Somehow we ended up dating after I moved back from college at the youthful age of 21ish. We broke up a few years later (after I said 'no' - kind of kills a romance) but remained friends. Not the kind of friends that hang out and chat all the time. Just casual-see-them-here-and-there-have-a-civil-conversation-kind of friends. He is now married, has two kids and lives the life that I never wanted to have with him. So why did he call me? Good question. Resigning to speak with him for a minute he starts in by telling me all about his great life. How his wife watches the kids all the time while he fishes and drinks with his buddies, goes hunting, plays hockey. Yeah. Affirmation as to why I said 'no' then. I am glad he has a good life. I am even more glad that I am not in it. It's funny how a million years of life experience can clarify your hindsight.

So then I head to my second job emotionally and physically exhausted. I call Trevor on my drive only to have a meltdown in the car. Poor Trevor tried to cheer me up but at that moment I just felt much too depleted to muster up the energy for positive thoughts. I really did not want to work another 5 and 1/2 hours. He spoke of things that were meant to bring me optimism, but while we were on the phone they didn't. Only once I got into work and zoned out in my own little world did his pep talk hit me. As I folded shirts, I thought about my life. About where I am in it. What I have accomplished. What I still want to accomplish. The places I want to go with him. The things I want us see and experience. The fact that I have someone in my life, that I know in my gut (always trust your gut!) is who I want to be my partner...well that's affirmation. I went home feeling drained but so happy to see his face and even more happy to curl up in bed with him. I had the best nights sleep that I've had in quite some time.

I love my life.