As this week winds down I finally have a moment to breathe and think...well, I certainly think and over analyse all the time, it has just been hard to find time to write about it lately. Running non stop is the way I prefer to live my life - from one activity to the next - keeping the calendar full of activities, tasks, meetings, etc. Is this normal? Or healthy even?
My Mom has surgery tomorrow, granted it is an out patient procedure, it is still considered a big deal. I took the day off from the 'real' job to take her to and from the hospital. To quell her fears (and perhaps my own) I keep trying to reassure her it will be fine and that it's a routine thing. But there is this 'what if' feeling somewhere deep in the recesses of my twisted mind. I try to not dare think of it. But I am hyper aware of the fact that it is there...this same feeling then makes me look at my life in constant motion. Perhaps the funeral last Friday has aided in these thoughts as well? Regardless. What if I don't have time to spend with the people I care about and then they are all of a sudden gone?
It has happened several times in my busy life that I did not spend as much time with the people I cared about as I should have, then the next thing you know - they are no longer around to spend time with. I find that especially true with my Grandmother on my Mom's side. I find myself missing her so much and wanting to ask her advice during the most pressing times - when she was around and freely offering her advice I never wanted to hear it though, or at least I pretended not to (because I am too tough for that sort of thing, you know). Kind of sad looking back on it. I do miss her greatly. Would I miss her less if I did spend more time with her? Or would that feeling be that more expansive?
These thought processes then lead me to my support system. I have so many wonderful people I can consider a part this system. How lucky am I? But what about those that I do require for support that have pulled away, undenounced to me? I have been reevaluating this exact thing lately and finding out I have way too many 'fair weather friends'.
Those same people who throw on me the label of 'best friend' then when I need them they are lost in their own selfishness. Perhaps that's too strong of a term, selfishness, but I find it an accurate description. They never call to 'just chat' or 'check up on me'. I find that I am always making those calls, checking in on them and when I do it's all I can do to get a word in edgewise while they bitch about how horrible this or that is. I give up on telling them any of my news by the end of it all. Which seems all too well as they don't even ask. It has become rather draining and sadly even more eye opening.
So, I have conceded to making the break from 'fair weather friends'. I know who I can count on, aside from my immediate family (they are a defaulted support system - whether they like it or not :). If for some reason I need a shoulder to lean on, I don't want to have to sit through a half hour tongue lashing before I can make an attempt at breaking my news be it good, bad or otherwise. After all life is too short and I want every possible minute to be full of positive people and energy.