Yesterday was a shit day. That's right - absolute crap. I woke up exhausted yet somehow managed to drag my carcass to the gym for the weekly Tuesday 6 a.m. muscle pump class. I know usually if I can make it to the gym, the workout gives me the endorphin rush required to get me out of my funk and through the rest of the day. It didn't work so I resolved to drink myself into a caffienated stupor. At least I will appear energetic to my clients. This time of year is super busy for me at the office. I have a large report due and for some reason, each year we end up with at least four other projects, which I somehow become involved with right at the same time as my busiest reporting season. Awesome. When it rains it pours, right?
At the same time I was also scheduled as an on-call for my second job (retail - more good times). I figured 'It's Tuesday. It will be dead in the store. They certainly won't need me from 6 to close tonight'. WRONG. I got called in. So at this point I was tired, cranky, and I now had to work until 11:30 when I had been up since 5 a.m. Great!
I found out a little while ago that my ex is engaged. Rochester is a small, incestuous city with about 3 degrees of separation...news travels fast and gossip spreads faster than butter on a hot English muffin. The fact that he is engaged does not bother me. The fact that I know he will end up cheating and lying to her does not bother me. The fact that I know I dodged a .45 caliber bullet does not bother me (in fact it makes me thank my lucky f---in stars...again!). What bothers me is that yesterday I saw a photo of her flashing her shiny, little bauble. Upon closer inspection, I am quite certain it is the same ring he tried to propose to me with. (Yes, I was proposed to. Twice - by two different men. Twice I said 'NO'. Gut feelings. Always trust your gut; this post is testament to this)! The fact that he is a liar and a cheater I have come to understand, at least to some degree just come to terms with. I guess I just can't wrap my brain around how he can be so daft as to "reuse" the ring. Whatever it's her problem now, right? Clear as crystal affirmation - again. Good luck to them both as they are going to need it.
Later in the day I see a phone call come in. The number is vaguely familiar. I thought that it might be someone from work or a client so I figured I should answer it. Surprise, surprise - it was my ex from a million years ago. The first one to propose to me. At the very moment when I heard him ask "how ya doin' stranger?” I sincerely hated my life.
Let me first state that I have a civil and even friendly relationship with this ex. He was never a liar or a cheater. In fact he is a pretty decent guy. I just knew he wasn't right for me. We went to high school together, were friends then. Somehow we ended up dating after I moved back from college at the youthful age of 21ish. We broke up a few years later (after I said 'no' - kind of kills a romance) but remained friends. Not the kind of friends that hang out and chat all the time. Just casual-see-them-here-and-there-have-a-civil-conversation-kind of friends. He is now married, has two kids and lives the life that I never wanted to have with him. So why did he call me? Good question. Resigning to speak with him for a minute he starts in by telling me all about his great life. How his wife watches the kids all the time while he fishes and drinks with his buddies, goes hunting, plays hockey. Yeah. Affirmation as to why I said 'no' then. I am glad he has a good life. I am even more glad that I am not in it. It's funny how a million years of life experience can clarify your hindsight.
So then I head to my second job emotionally and physically exhausted. I call Trevor on my drive only to have a meltdown in the car. Poor Trevor tried to cheer me up but at that moment I just felt much too depleted to muster up the energy for positive thoughts. I really did not want to work another 5 and 1/2 hours. He spoke of things that were meant to bring me optimism, but while we were on the phone they didn't. Only once I got into work and zoned out in my own little world did his pep talk hit me. As I folded shirts, I thought about my life. About where I am in it. What I have accomplished. What I still want to accomplish. The places I want to go with him. The things I want us see and experience. The fact that I have someone in my life, that I know in my gut (always trust your gut!) is who I want to be my partner...well that's affirmation. I went home feeling drained but so happy to see his face and even more happy to curl up in bed with him. I had the best nights sleep that I've had in quite some time.
I love my life.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Welcoming in 2010!
I am not one to set resolutions for the next year, however, I feel this year I need to do some sort of reflection on the past 365 days. With some deep, heart-felt contemplation (I actually thought of this during today’s morning commute) I decided it would be a great idea to outline the positives from last year and try to, if possible, build upon them for this imminently approaching year. If something on my list can not be “built” upon well, then I just want these optimistic actions/goals/events in writing – if for nothing else, it’s an ego boost :)
1. Reconnect with friends I lost in 2008/2009. This is a tough one but with some firm effort combined with the setting aside of my stubborn, Russian pride the roads to recovery underwent some re-surfacing. I am hoping that this one can be “built” upon for both friendships, although I do feel that with one of them, especially, the road is as strong as ever…especially because I am going to be her (old) maid of honor or something. With the second friend the reconnect has been more recent, but with our extensive history and the feeling that she is a part of my family I know our friendship will heal even though our road was laid with cobbles. I also know that cobbles are sturdy, stand the test of time and make your voice funny when your ride over them!
2. Spend more time relaxing. I have a hard time sitting still. It could be the ADD; it could be my type A personality, or just the fact that I always have to be doing something – productive or otherwise. The times spent in my jammies watching The Office reruns on the iBook, curled up under the flannel covers with my man, and the Mapledale Zoo surrounding us, are the times that I find myself the happiest. So why not do it more in 2010?
3. Keep working out. I love to work out. In any shape or form especially when it involves the great outdoors. Riding my bicycle in the woods, trail running, snowshoeing, hiking, climbing…etc. Pure elation. I know this one will never be an issue for me to keep building upon. However, I would like to get a bit more serious about racing and training. I began going for 05:30 workouts each workday with a co-worker/friend of mine about three months ago and realised that I can set my bar higher each month. With this kind of motivation who knows what can happen. So in 2010 I think I will focus more on keeping track of my training instead of my usual status quo workouts. To be continued…
4. Keep eating healthy. No brainer here. For all that know me know that I have never really had too difficult a time following a healthy diet. I think my secret is that I don’t diet. I just eat when I’m hungry, eat dessert when I feel like it, don’t eat meat or dairy (I am not a vegan – I am not even a vegetarian, I eat fish and eggs) and make sure to eat healthier, organic, non-GMO (when possible – gets harder and harder with the 90% of all our soy being genetically modified), low-glycemic foods. I find that the more information I receive about the food industry and the production of our foods, have definitely influenced, and continue to influence, my decisions and daily choices. As much as I still love the smell of bacon, I resolve not to promote the suffering of factory farmed animals. That said there are free range farms out there, and with some research, I am certain there are farms that even treat their animals with humane care prior to slaughter. Ignorance is NOT bliss. I cannot judge those that choose to eat from those farms, I just choose personally not to. So for 2010 I will keep eating healthy! And perhaps stop ranting about the horrors of factory farming. (Everyone I know is getting a DVD of Food Inc. for Christmas in 2010)!
5. Focus on my job. I feel that even though there are days when I don’t know what I am doing or where I am going in my career, I need to focus on each and every aspect of it. This past year I found myself connecting to it a little more and with that a sense of fulfillment was found. My boss must have seen it, as well, because he promoted me. So I suppose I will keep working hard in 2010. Or, perhaps, even work harder.
6. Pay off debt. This one will never go away, what with my ridiculously high student loans (thanks R.I.T.)! Regardless I am going to try and not buy any big ticket items this year and focus on dumping as much cash as possible towards whittling those bad boys down. I even took on a second job to help. To be continued…
7. Stay on the wagon. I quit drinking almost a year and a half ago. This was probably the hardest thing I have ever done for multiple reasons. While many people in my life have accepted it many still have not. That is the hardest part of the whole process. In the words of my friend John “people just don’t like extremes”. Makes sense, but I am not condemning anyone for drinking, so why would they condemn me for not drinking? Regardless I am still not drinking and I must admit I don’t miss it – I do however miss some of my friends. On the positive side I feel great each day, I find my athletic abilities have improved and I am certain that my liver is thanking me (as well as my remaining three brain cells). 2010 will continue to be an alcohol-free year for me.
8. Dress better. This may sound a bit superficial, but I want to look more professional in 2010. I always feel as if I am dressing for an outdoor adventure (well, probably because most of the time I am) however this year I want to wear nicer clothes. I have them in my closet. They’re there, just hanging, collecting dust. I must wear them! Simple enough, right? It’s easy enough to make Pata-gucci look office/professional with some accessories :)
9. Keep reminding Trevor of how I feel. I only hope I express to him all of my affection and positive gratitude. This one comes naturally so “building” upon it will be easy in 2010!
This, as most of my life, is subject to alterations and additions so stay tuned and have a Happy New Year!
1. Reconnect with friends I lost in 2008/2009. This is a tough one but with some firm effort combined with the setting aside of my stubborn, Russian pride the roads to recovery underwent some re-surfacing. I am hoping that this one can be “built” upon for both friendships, although I do feel that with one of them, especially, the road is as strong as ever…especially because I am going to be her (old) maid of honor or something. With the second friend the reconnect has been more recent, but with our extensive history and the feeling that she is a part of my family I know our friendship will heal even though our road was laid with cobbles. I also know that cobbles are sturdy, stand the test of time and make your voice funny when your ride over them!
2. Spend more time relaxing. I have a hard time sitting still. It could be the ADD; it could be my type A personality, or just the fact that I always have to be doing something – productive or otherwise. The times spent in my jammies watching The Office reruns on the iBook, curled up under the flannel covers with my man, and the Mapledale Zoo surrounding us, are the times that I find myself the happiest. So why not do it more in 2010?
3. Keep working out. I love to work out. In any shape or form especially when it involves the great outdoors. Riding my bicycle in the woods, trail running, snowshoeing, hiking, climbing…etc. Pure elation. I know this one will never be an issue for me to keep building upon. However, I would like to get a bit more serious about racing and training. I began going for 05:30 workouts each workday with a co-worker/friend of mine about three months ago and realised that I can set my bar higher each month. With this kind of motivation who knows what can happen. So in 2010 I think I will focus more on keeping track of my training instead of my usual status quo workouts. To be continued…
4. Keep eating healthy. No brainer here. For all that know me know that I have never really had too difficult a time following a healthy diet. I think my secret is that I don’t diet. I just eat when I’m hungry, eat dessert when I feel like it, don’t eat meat or dairy (I am not a vegan – I am not even a vegetarian, I eat fish and eggs) and make sure to eat healthier, organic, non-GMO (when possible – gets harder and harder with the 90% of all our soy being genetically modified), low-glycemic foods. I find that the more information I receive about the food industry and the production of our foods, have definitely influenced, and continue to influence, my decisions and daily choices. As much as I still love the smell of bacon, I resolve not to promote the suffering of factory farmed animals. That said there are free range farms out there, and with some research, I am certain there are farms that even treat their animals with humane care prior to slaughter. Ignorance is NOT bliss. I cannot judge those that choose to eat from those farms, I just choose personally not to. So for 2010 I will keep eating healthy! And perhaps stop ranting about the horrors of factory farming. (Everyone I know is getting a DVD of Food Inc. for Christmas in 2010)!
5. Focus on my job. I feel that even though there are days when I don’t know what I am doing or where I am going in my career, I need to focus on each and every aspect of it. This past year I found myself connecting to it a little more and with that a sense of fulfillment was found. My boss must have seen it, as well, because he promoted me. So I suppose I will keep working hard in 2010. Or, perhaps, even work harder.
6. Pay off debt. This one will never go away, what with my ridiculously high student loans (thanks R.I.T.)! Regardless I am going to try and not buy any big ticket items this year and focus on dumping as much cash as possible towards whittling those bad boys down. I even took on a second job to help. To be continued…
7. Stay on the wagon. I quit drinking almost a year and a half ago. This was probably the hardest thing I have ever done for multiple reasons. While many people in my life have accepted it many still have not. That is the hardest part of the whole process. In the words of my friend John “people just don’t like extremes”. Makes sense, but I am not condemning anyone for drinking, so why would they condemn me for not drinking? Regardless I am still not drinking and I must admit I don’t miss it – I do however miss some of my friends. On the positive side I feel great each day, I find my athletic abilities have improved and I am certain that my liver is thanking me (as well as my remaining three brain cells). 2010 will continue to be an alcohol-free year for me.
8. Dress better. This may sound a bit superficial, but I want to look more professional in 2010. I always feel as if I am dressing for an outdoor adventure (well, probably because most of the time I am) however this year I want to wear nicer clothes. I have them in my closet. They’re there, just hanging, collecting dust. I must wear them! Simple enough, right? It’s easy enough to make Pata-gucci look office/professional with some accessories :)
9. Keep reminding Trevor of how I feel. I only hope I express to him all of my affection and positive gratitude. This one comes naturally so “building” upon it will be easy in 2010!
This, as most of my life, is subject to alterations and additions so stay tuned and have a Happy New Year!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Christmas in New Paltz
Ginny! Coolest dog EVER! (shhh don't let my monsters know this).
My favourite place to be all weekend - right in front of the fireplace. 
Christmas day hike at Black Creek. 
Frozen pond - of course I was the is-it-frozen-enough? tester. It was solid the whole way through. Perfect for some pond hockey!
Really? I was thinking of going in for a dip...
At one point I thought T was going to disobey the sign - YIKES!
Princess Misha guarding the tree.Saturday, December 19, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Better Late Than Never
It's over. Thanksgiving is over. The food has long been digested and the few days off from work have been enjoyed. I have been so engrossed with my daily grind that I couldn't even put "pen to paper" to express what I am thankful for. Proposal submitted, work-out skipped, now it's time and there's no time like the present, so here goes.
My health most importantly, for without it, I would not be able to enjoy the quality of life that I have. I am grateful everyday that I have the physical ability to ride my bikes, climb rocks and trees, run multiple miles without (too much) pain, play with my doggies in the park, etc. Trevor had the swine yet I, with my superior genetic health, beat it! Not a runny nose, not even a fever. Sweet, right? I thought so, but I think that makes me a carrier, which I'm not too crazy about...meh, I still never got it! Mental health? Well, that's an entirely different issue (I am thankful for that, I suppose, as well :)
My family. As dysfunctional as we all are, I know I can count on some of them when needed. Some is better than none, right? The fact that we are scattered across the globe helps immensely!
My friends. Through the ups and downs, the times past and present, I know who I can truly count on and those that can truly count on me. Unlike my family, I know they will all be there when needed. The fact that we are scattered across the globe doesn't help, but I think it makes me appreciate them that much more.
My "kids". I do not have children. I do not want children. I have pets, they are my children. I know, I am on the road to becoming a crazy "dog/cat" lady. I am ok with that! My two dogs and cat I would be lost without. Each day, no matter how long I leave them for each day, they greet me with such happiness when I return. That's truly the best expression of unconditional love!
The best for last - I am so thankful for my partner. I cannot say enough to iterate exactly how grateful I am to have such an amazing man in my life. Each day I am thankful for having him there to support me, listen to me, offer me advice, just be there. He has made me see the world in a different light.
I know there are so many other things that I am thankful for. The aforementioned list are the ones most important to me. They are the ones, if I had nothing else, that would keep me going. Who could ask for more than that?
My health most importantly, for without it, I would not be able to enjoy the quality of life that I have. I am grateful everyday that I have the physical ability to ride my bikes, climb rocks and trees, run multiple miles without (too much) pain, play with my doggies in the park, etc. Trevor had the swine yet I, with my superior genetic health, beat it! Not a runny nose, not even a fever. Sweet, right? I thought so, but I think that makes me a carrier, which I'm not too crazy about...meh, I still never got it! Mental health? Well, that's an entirely different issue (I am thankful for that, I suppose, as well :)
My family. As dysfunctional as we all are, I know I can count on some of them when needed. Some is better than none, right? The fact that we are scattered across the globe helps immensely!
My friends. Through the ups and downs, the times past and present, I know who I can truly count on and those that can truly count on me. Unlike my family, I know they will all be there when needed. The fact that we are scattered across the globe doesn't help, but I think it makes me appreciate them that much more.
My "kids". I do not have children. I do not want children. I have pets, they are my children. I know, I am on the road to becoming a crazy "dog/cat" lady. I am ok with that! My two dogs and cat I would be lost without. Each day, no matter how long I leave them for each day, they greet me with such happiness when I return. That's truly the best expression of unconditional love!
The best for last - I am so thankful for my partner. I cannot say enough to iterate exactly how grateful I am to have such an amazing man in my life. Each day I am thankful for having him there to support me, listen to me, offer me advice, just be there. He has made me see the world in a different light.
I know there are so many other things that I am thankful for. The aforementioned list are the ones most important to me. They are the ones, if I had nothing else, that would keep me going. Who could ask for more than that?
Monday, November 16, 2009
Invisible
Some days I feel as if I am standing in a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs but no one hears me...
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Happy Birthday To...
Whoa it's been a while yet again. In previous posts, I already admitted that I am inconsistent, so I am going no further with trying to defend myself. Ok, well maybe a little towards my defense (from whom am I defending myself from, anyway?). Regardless, I have been busy remodeling my kitchen and taking classes, both of which have come to an end (thank god). So now it's back to just my regular busy life not the extra busy life. At least I have a better recall of my college math as well as a sweet "new" kitchen to drink coffee in!
I have yet to post my pics from our trip to New Paltz and the Catskills and more importantly the most incredible mountain biking of October at Peekskill/Blue Mountain. I will get around to that, meh, in about two weeks or so.
Anyway today is Trevor's 30th birthday! (I think he is the only person that reads my blog anymore, and even that is questionable). Big day for him and an even bigger day for me! Why? Well, because he is now in my age bracket. That's right, I am no longer a cougar today. Most know that Trevor is a little bit younger than me, just a smidge. The difference is negligible, however, being in your twenties is slightly different than being in your thirties. That said, he is now in his thirties, as I have been for...just a little while...only a couple of....months, yes, months. In all reality, it doesn't matter how old I am, after all today is not about me, it's about him. I only hope he has a most wonderful day! Happy Birthday, Trevor!
I have yet to post my pics from our trip to New Paltz and the Catskills and more importantly the most incredible mountain biking of October at Peekskill/Blue Mountain. I will get around to that, meh, in about two weeks or so.
Anyway today is Trevor's 30th birthday! (I think he is the only person that reads my blog anymore, and even that is questionable). Big day for him and an even bigger day for me! Why? Well, because he is now in my age bracket. That's right, I am no longer a cougar today. Most know that Trevor is a little bit younger than me, just a smidge. The difference is negligible, however, being in your twenties is slightly different than being in your thirties. That said, he is now in his thirties, as I have been for...just a little while...only a couple of....months, yes, months. In all reality, it doesn't matter how old I am, after all today is not about me, it's about him. I only hope he has a most wonderful day! Happy Birthday, Trevor!
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