Long Time Coming

It's been too long again. *sigh* I just have to come to terms with the fact that I am inconsistent in pretty much every aspect of my life. I have also realised, or rather come to accept, the fact that I am a commitment-phobe. Knowing this about myself is not a new realisation, but the older I get the more it seems to create an anxiety within me. This self-awareness comes in many forms, but did not become blatantly apparent until a co-worker asked me to get a ski pass for this coming season with her. My immediate hesitation, subsequent over-analysis, and then finally a reluctant decline to this invitation made me stop and reassess so many other aspects of my life. I follow these steps with pretty much everything I do, which ultimately result in me not doing much of anything.

For quite some time now I have been “preparing” to take my GREs. I started a Master’s program which did not require any GRE/GMAT tests because I completed my undergrad there. Not feeling enthusiastic about that particular program I decided to put it on hold and search for a program that I feel excited about; one that is challenging and makes me optimistic about my career again. I think I have pinned one down, more on that later, this post is about the (long, drawn out) path that has lead to this very tiny, first step. Anyway, this GRE preparation has consisted of me buying a book, occasionally reading it, occasionally taking a practice test (which, I am ashamed to admit, I do not do that well on…shocking, I know). Regardless, I thought I was making the commitment, when in reality I was doing nothing more than wasting time and talking about what I should be doing, rather than just doing it.

After the ski pass incident and the reevaluation of my methods to madness (or methods of madness, meh, it’s all madness in my realm), I am changing my ways. That’s right; I have staged my own intervention. Well, not really, I am just trying to be more of a commitment-phile. SO to test my new character trait, I phoned RIT yesterday to sign up for a GRE review class…and I did get enrolled in a class…which starts today. Great, so now I don’t even have time to go through the mental process of over-analysing and ultimately negating my positive endeavor. If the cards are in my favour, I have to go with it, otherwise, I might spend another two plus years f*cking around trying to figure out what the hell I am supposed to do with my life. This most certainly does not answer all of my questions, and perhaps some of those will never be answered, but at least I am heading towards a goal. And more importantly I am committing myself to it!